I love Memphis, as a concept. It's free and inviting and homely and embracing.
And the people. Though they may be smug and have bought into the concept of 'starving artist,' they have their moments when they let their guards down and that is when you have found gold. I visited a friend, L, and I couldn't be more joyous during our time together. We just hung out and it was very comfortable. Though, I must say, the ending was quite uncomfortable since we both knew our time together was at an end. And I had to say goodbye to her brother, C, which was quite sad since he and I were each others' comfort.
If I said I didn't cry in my car ride home, it'd be a lie.
Z's dog, Scout, died two weeks ago. Even after seeing her after that happened, I found out yesterday. I wasn't sad, I was more or less mad and then depressed. I was mad that I didn't know about Scout dying until yesterday. This Z, after all, was the one who had called me immediately after she and P broke up. And her cat died. And when she got good news. But now, I'm feeling like a used tissue. Good for a bit then discarded. She and M are leaving to teach in China in March. I feel that she put forth a giant wall in between us so that when she leaves, we won't be as emotional.
I just feel burnt out, emotionally, with everyone. I'm tired of entertaining- of me going up to people to talk. I want to be centered upon, I want people to come up to me and gab. I'd love to get random visits. Random adventures. But, at the end of the day, I get tired of driving everywhere, or drained from trying to get people to have a positive disposition towards me.
Monster Magnet: Atomic Clock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ERMy2wPKQ&feature=related
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Love, she said, how everyone I gave it to, they're all gone and don't let that ever be you, boy.
I've recently got into a fairly large Ravens and Chimes kick, in which I have youtubed my favorite track of theirs down below. They are not a flash in the pan, but their debut album, Reichenbach Falls, is a very solid one (just so you know, my favorite debuts: Mumford & Sons, Dream Theater, Aphex Twin). Anyway, it got me thinking about my neglected blog. So here goes:
I've been working more lately, which isn't bad, but I've noticed that I've never been less motivated to make the same ripples that I had done before. It's not that I hate my job, but as I had expressed to my director, I just feel lots of pressure onto me from having the stress of worrying about twenty six dudes, twentyfourseven.
-Relatedly, one of my guys, D, before he left our services that he felt he was always in prison. Naturally, in my organization, we try to not make our services feel like that but his point was well received, and though I had tried to make it as loose as possible, he was correct. Though D was more independent than others, always pushing the envelope and getting on people's nerves, he was a fresh breath of air that is well needed. He pushed me to read on my 'free' time stuff about prisons. Coupling that push with my previous thirst for information of concentration camps and now, prisons, I stumbled upon the Gulag- the Russian concentration camps.
Shittt, you wanna know anything interesting about The Gulag that you can potentially throw at people at bars or wherever social gatherings take place, feast on this one, especially as the Chicago Snow comes: many Gulager's in the Kolyma region (re: Siberia) would go to work everyday for twelve hours (not including the 3 mile trek one way) in the cold. Their only days off were when the temperature was at -60F degrees. Without windchill. -58f? You're going to work. Oh, and I should mention, that their clothing was a military tunic underneath a petty worn wool coat. The fact that people have survived that, well, that's fucking interesting. Aleksander Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago is one of the finest memoirs I will have read and implore people to at least read a third of it. It's remarkable that, again, people have survived the Kolyma and managed to keep their limbs, fingers and teeth intact. And minds.
Anyways, I thought of GA and D and what am I doing to stop that continual feeling from happening. I'm trying my best to get my guys get motivated to actually care for themselves, for them to make their beds, lunches, dinners and get some semblance of a decent life. But they have been served for, practically, their whole lives and know what to do, when to do, and how to do things so that they don't have to do it themselves.
Lastly about work, I'm being looked upon as a leader. As a leadership leader. Somehow, someway, I got this title from my peers. This comforts me. With motivation nonetheless.
That motivation will be hard to come by but I want to be able to continuously inspire before I leave for my microvacation to Memphis to visit Laura Lou for her birthday. This trip, with T nonetheless, excites me. Hopefully, I'll remember to bring my camera and an extra lung since I'm sure I'm gonna be huffing on Marlboros all the way. I need to recharge the batteries especially after tossing in an additional 32 hours of unpaid time a month by working shifts or just working past my 55 hours a week.
Time to work on my core and then sleep.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic_an8Kk-Og
I've been working more lately, which isn't bad, but I've noticed that I've never been less motivated to make the same ripples that I had done before. It's not that I hate my job, but as I had expressed to my director, I just feel lots of pressure onto me from having the stress of worrying about twenty six dudes, twentyfourseven.
-Relatedly, one of my guys, D, before he left our services that he felt he was always in prison. Naturally, in my organization, we try to not make our services feel like that but his point was well received, and though I had tried to make it as loose as possible, he was correct. Though D was more independent than others, always pushing the envelope and getting on people's nerves, he was a fresh breath of air that is well needed. He pushed me to read on my 'free' time stuff about prisons. Coupling that push with my previous thirst for information of concentration camps and now, prisons, I stumbled upon the Gulag- the Russian concentration camps.
Shittt, you wanna know anything interesting about The Gulag that you can potentially throw at people at bars or wherever social gatherings take place, feast on this one, especially as the Chicago Snow comes: many Gulager's in the Kolyma region (re: Siberia) would go to work everyday for twelve hours (not including the 3 mile trek one way) in the cold. Their only days off were when the temperature was at -60F degrees. Without windchill. -58f? You're going to work. Oh, and I should mention, that their clothing was a military tunic underneath a petty worn wool coat. The fact that people have survived that, well, that's fucking interesting. Aleksander Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago is one of the finest memoirs I will have read and implore people to at least read a third of it. It's remarkable that, again, people have survived the Kolyma and managed to keep their limbs, fingers and teeth intact. And minds.
Anyways, I thought of GA and D and what am I doing to stop that continual feeling from happening. I'm trying my best to get my guys get motivated to actually care for themselves, for them to make their beds, lunches, dinners and get some semblance of a decent life. But they have been served for, practically, their whole lives and know what to do, when to do, and how to do things so that they don't have to do it themselves.
Lastly about work, I'm being looked upon as a leader. As a leadership leader. Somehow, someway, I got this title from my peers. This comforts me. With motivation nonetheless.
That motivation will be hard to come by but I want to be able to continuously inspire before I leave for my microvacation to Memphis to visit Laura Lou for her birthday. This trip, with T nonetheless, excites me. Hopefully, I'll remember to bring my camera and an extra lung since I'm sure I'm gonna be huffing on Marlboros all the way. I need to recharge the batteries especially after tossing in an additional 32 hours of unpaid time a month by working shifts or just working past my 55 hours a week.
Time to work on my core and then sleep.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic_an8Kk-Og
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